For Better, or Worse

     Author's Note: As assigned, this is my Patriot's Pen Essay (rough draft). Don't worry-- this piece is supposed to be humorous rather than the traditional serious essay-- I am NOT turning this in to the contest. :D Please comment!            

                 As America’s Founding Fathers, you are looked up to and greatly appreciated from the 16^th century to the 21^st. You were big figures in the creation of our country and our beloved home. Why can’t you take the time to make your appearances somewhat acceptable?

                Although your attire is fairly decent (considering the fashion statements in the 1600’s were, uh, different than ours today,) the next thing the 21^st century looks at (well, most women at the least,) is the hair. Let’s face it: this area NEEDS improvement! While guys today either go for the piranha or just-got-out-of-bed look, you Founding Fathers are sporting the old-age-greasy-gray hair. People nowadays dye their hair so that it isn’t gray, and you guys are wearing wigs so that it is? Come on! When you signed all of those papers, and “discussed” all of those important issues, didn’t you think at all that you were creating the foundation to our country, and that you would be talked about for centuries to come? That your hair creates a look of disgust on our faces?

                The gray, greasy hair brings us to our next item of business: bathing.  Men in the 16^th century didn’t bathe for weeks, months, even years on end, and honestly, what good did it ever do to you?  I mean, aside from keeping the women far, far away from you, being given the great opportunity to be constantly scratching the dried sweat on your body, and always swatting those pesky flies and gnats away from you, of course. When the first colonists came over from England, they settled inland, sure, but on a river! What a perfect opportunity to take a bath. In the river. You Founding Fathers were given all of the essentials necessary to becoming even more successful, but they were ignored.

                Despite your opinions of your funky hair or your repulsive smell, the one thing that you should for sure be caring about is your smile. Crooked  and yellow teeth aren’t good at representing you when you show happiness.  Founding Fathers—you have very intelligent and creative men on your squad, use them! Have Benjamin Franklin or Thomas Edison create teeth whiteners, or at the very least, toothpaste! If this is really too much to ask, just find some hay and cut it to short pieces, attach it to a stick, and, what do you know? You have a toothbrush. For those lopsided teeth, get a piece of twine and tie it around your teeth for makeshift braces. Put your thinking cap on, people!

                With all of these new improvements to you, there is absolute certainty that you will feel more confident in the decisions of our country. There is also no doubt about it women today will appreciate your good looks and maybe, just maybe, call you “hot” instead of “old man."